(no subject)
Uhm, so apparantly candy canes are made out of elf teeth? Also, our christmas tree is up now!

  Today sucked A cockasauras rex. I did great up until about 4 pm.  130 calories. It was my dad's birthday and my mom made everybody mai Thais. SInce I am underage she hardly ever lets me drink. I can't handle alcohol on an empty stomache.. so I ate carrots and honey mustard, and 1/2 a handful of spicey peanuts... followed with a few drinks. I was pretty tipsy. THEN we went out to eat.. and I planned  on getting something because it was my dad's b-day dinner.. and I wanted him to have a good birthday. So I got soup, salad, and ate 2 peices of corn bread. Then I came home and had birthday cake. When I drink.. I binge. When I binge.. i'm just astonished with how much food I can pack away.. and utterly disgusted. How could I do this to myself when I was down to 96.5... 1.5 lbs away from my next goal weight?
  Atleast my dad did have a good birthday. Haha, funny enough it was his birthday (he got a little buzzed) But for the most part was the only one who stayed sober. I actually got wasted and geeked out w/ my parents a little.. maybe that's not normal? But what can i say.. my parents can be pretty okay sometimes. They're just funny people. At the restaurant.. after my mom had already had like 3 drinks she got a few glasses of wine.. the restaraunt gave her a card to fill out her b-day too so they could send her coupons and she filled it out then said "I think I wrote the wrong phone number." "Oh wait no I didn't" then my dad grabbed it from her and her.. we both looked at it.. she had the right phone number written down.. but it asked for her date of birth =p no phone numbers. Haha, yea. She had 1 too many. But it was so funny. 
 I need to start sleeping more.. if I typically got more than 3-5 hours of sleep in a night, I probably wouldn't be binging so much. Since less than 6 hours of sleep increases your appetite by 15%.
 I REALLY need to get on the treadmill. But I don't want to.. I got 3 hours of sleep last night. I want to go to bed. I'm still a little tipsy. I have cramps. I'm tired. and I feel like a fat fuck. >: I want my whole body to be numb, so i can't feel how big it is.
 I should be hanging out with my friend Grant tomorrow. I would rather stay home and fast. But he wanted to chill yesterday.. but that didn't work because I already had plans.. so I made plans with him to chill today after I spent the morning with my bf job hunting.. but I completely forgot it was my dad's birthday.. so I said we should do something today. We didn't make plans set in stone. But there's nothing I have to do tomorrow.. and I had to cancel our plans today, because I'm an idiot.

First tattoo
  So sometime this week or next I'm getting my first tattoo... I'm so excited. I wanted to get 3-7 tiny butterflies  flying up my left shoulder blade. OR a black cat.  These are all of the tattoos I've ever wanted: The butterflies, a black cat, The Eye of Horus, a Pheonix, and ivy around my ankle. I probably won't get it all. Or maybe I will. Who knows.

  But tell me what you think.. I'm having trouble. If I get the butterflies on my left shoulder blade.. i don't want to get the cat on the other shoulder blade.. I don't think I can pull off having 2 animal tattoos on my back.  But I definetly wanna put 1 of the animal ones there. I'm thinking either butterflies on my shoulder blade, and the cat on my lower stomach/ hip or possibly the cat just under my collar bone. OR Butterflies flying up my leg (on my lower calve) and the cat on my shoulder blade. Obviously I have to make the choice I'll be happy with for the rest of my life.. but I still want somebody else's opinion. 

  I'm back at 99 lbs.. not very happy. And probably going to start 2, 4, 6, 8 today. I would fast.. but I'm spending the whole entire day with friends.

 Happy 4-20 to those who celebrate. I'm not.. A.) I'm job hunting (so many places do drug screening)  B.) It gives me the munchies and makes me like a bottomless pit. The last thing I need right now.

I need
A good book to read!

Any suggestions?

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend! [=

Life lately.. hm.
  I hate it that it's April.. 47 degrees outside, and raining tits. It's April damnit, winter get over it already. But I looove free music. Yayy for bit torent.
  I've been taking a break from my best friend. Reasons.. ugh, complicated. It's always complicated. So I won't Get into that.
  I'm going ape shit right now, with not being able to find anything to do.. like I said it's raining tits, so I don't wanna go anywhere. I might watch the Nightmare Before Christmas.. that movie is a lot of fun xD.
  Yesterday I went out to lunch w/ 2 of my really good friends. My friends really seem to like to go out to eat a lot? Even though if I don't get a salad when I go out to eat.. I don't get anything.. I hate it that when I get a salad from a restaurant.. I have no iIdea how many calories was in it. God, I really hate that. With all of the cheeses, and crutons.. other crap they put in it to spice it up. Sometimes I almost feel like getting a salad isn't even that much better when I'm going out to eat. But I am always happy to see the friends I went with, and haven't in 2 weeks. And they were like "you never get anything when you come out to eat with us, so you have to."
  My birthday is coming up.. I like that xD Less than 2 months. I'm going to be 20 years old, and I don't feel any different *age wise* than I did 2 years ago. But I know I've made a lot of changes for the better.. and worse.. aka relapsing in my ana. But that seems like it's for the better AND worse at the same time to me. It makes me feel better. It makes me feel worse. Those of you who are on my friends list here, might know what I'm saying. 
  Hm.. yea, don't think there's anything else to say.
  Peace, Hearts and Smileys
  I'm going to hop on the treadmill.. and watch that movie.

I'm reading


Jane Eyre by: Charlotte Bronte.. I'm on a Bronte kick! The last book I read was Wuthering Heights by  Emily Bronte. The Bronte siblings, I mean, their lives sound like something out of a book. Sometimes a tragedy? But they're both phenomenal writers, and inspirations to me. What can I say?

Don't you wish..

 There was a way to lose weight w/ out being so miserable all the time? Don't you wish.. that on those days where you've majorly restricted your calories knowing it's something to be happy about.. you could feel that. Don't you wish you could say.. I knew exactly what I wanted.. and I worked so hard for this today and I should just be proud of myself, I was disciplined. I was focused.. instead of laying in bed feeling like a peice of pregnant whale blubber? Don't you wish... that you didn't spend almost every minute of every waking hour.. somehow thinking of food or exercise.. thin or fat?

I was suppossed to spend time with my boyfriend after he got off of work.. I called him and told him I was sick. Because I can really feel an emotional break down coming on.. I don't want to break down in front of him. I feel terrible about that.. I know damn well I'm not sick. 
Ok the past few days have been really shitty. And I have been neck deep in my own emotions.. who knows why. It's what I do. Yesterday I was thinking about how much I wanted to get run over by a car... after I failed the test to get my license.. (again.) (Don't worry I'm not getting ready to jump in front of a moving car but for a few minutes that's how bad i felt.  Every time I sink this low.. I have 3 best friends who are the first people I think of calling (ussually I never pick up the phone anyway). My bf isn't even 1 of them.. and I feel crappy about that too. It's not that I don't want to talk to him.. or even that I don't trust him. Maybe it is because he's my bf.. and naturally it is harder to talk to him? But it still makes me feel like I am not as comitted to him as he is to me.. and guilty. I'm starting to not even want to be in a relationship right now. Because I'm not dealing with any real pressure.. but i feel like i am? And oh shit.. here it comes.. I'm starting to wonder how much I even like guys/ want to be with guys? I think.. nevermind that's a whole seperate issue that I'm not even going to dive into right now. Whoa shit.
I snapped on 1 of my friends today.
Oh.. and my mom and my friends mom both attacked me at the same time for losing too much weight. It was ackward. But I have to admit My mom told me my arms looked like toothpicks.. and that was the only time of my day I felt warm, and good.  I'm sure the fact that I got fewer than 3 hours of sleep last night is contributing to my state of what I'm just gonna call emotional f**k

Holyshit I'm srry that was quite a rant. But I already feel so much better after typing that.

Monday I have plans with 2 of my really good friends, and I'm looking forward to that because we always have so much fun when we're together... even if we aren't doing anything lol. All I want to think about.. is last week when I had a few really good days, and monday which should be awesome. I dont want to think about whats going on in my head right now.

as shit, Really, there's not much to say. Me and my friend killed more than 1.2 a bottle of skyy vodka.. had the greatest time.. and uhm? She threy up and passed out.. what's the best way to wake somebody up? Haha.. i've already tried shaking her and saying hey "lex wake up!!!" she's passed out! I wAnt to wake her and have her drink a full cup of water so her hangover isn't as bad in the morning.. i read that the cause of hangovers is dehydration. LOL.. the last time i got theis drunk i ended up taking care of another drunk who was as sick as she was earlier. =p LOL i always find myself taking care of drunkies! Yea..s rry if this opist makes mi sense.

I feel
  I feel like I'm losing.
I feel like I've lost
I want to go back in time like 9 years and be 11 years old again. >: Then again eh? I wasn't really happy then either was I.

Pink Floyd
From First To Last
Def Leapord
A Day To Remember
A Static Lullaby

Ha... it was just a different kinda day I geuss??


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